December 01, 2015


here I am. me, Olivia.
three years ago today, on the first of December, I ended a relationship with this boy and it destroyed me. 
last year I wrote about it, like I was a Phoenix from the ashes. but that's not entirely true. I really felt what I said about being so much better and stronger than ever on my own, but it wasn't true and I just wanted it to be so. 

so here I am. admitting that it still hurts. I still cry sometimes. every once in a while he'll show up in one of my dreams. I'll run into his mom at the grocery store. a song on the radio will come on. and it still hurts. but that's okay. 

it's okay. I can't quite put into words how I feel about all of it, despite my best efforts. this post-mortem revelry is tradition now. and it's a tradition that teaches me so much of who I am and who I've been. 

after all of it I'm grateful. Grateful for who he was to me, and what he taught me about love and what I want out of a relationship. it helped me learn the things I'm willing to change for the person I love and the things I can't without compromising my sense of self. 

so here I am. me. Olivia. I told you last year I'd be here. and I am. I'll always be here, I'll always be me. with or without a boy to hold my hand and kiss my face and tell me I'm pretty. someday soon I'd like that, and when I do, I will be a better version of myself because of what this taught me. 

see you next time. 

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